Dead Class Pets

Advice

2012-02-10T18:44:00.000-05:00

So I'm just now done collecting all of my nickels for each time someone has asked me these luuuuvvvv-related questions. I have used my newfound abundance of nickels to award three lucky readers instant-gratification copies of My Funny Valentine!

As it turns out, children are not only experts in pick-up lines, but also pretty fantastic sources of nutrition and marriage advice. Hold on - that could be read as a suggestion to eat children for their nutritional value. Let's try again: Children are fantastic sources of advice on both nutrition and marriage. And they are also delicious with jam. Dang it! Did it again.

The point is, if you are looking for some wisdom on the right ratio of running to eating, or on what types of questions to ask your new spouse on your honeymoon, my new advice post is up on An Army of Ermas today!

And of course, all the Valentine's Day advice you'll ever need can be found here!

Bam! Right to Your Kindle

2012-02-07T19:00:00.000-05:00

Man, if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me these questions this Valentine's Day season!

What can I say to a guy when he fails to drop his current girlfriend for me? Are the girlfriend's freckles fair game for insults?

What three choices should I give a potential date following my "How are you doing?" pick-up line? Should one of the multiple choice options be, "Sexy?"

How do I end a Valentine's Day card that starts with, "I don't love you" ?

I know that many of you out there are in need of advice. You are in luck! My new book*, My Funny Valentine will answer all of these questions and more!

The lucky winners of the last giveaway are curled up right now with their copies of the book, but don't worry - there's another chance for you, too, to get a copy of all of the hilarious essays!

The first three readers to comment will get a free Kindle version of My Funny Valentine!

*Which I generously share with many other humor writers...

Magnet Man

2012-02-02T18:44:00.000-05:00

Some might call them an impulse purchase.

I call them...um....objectively awesome. Take a gander:

I was at Staples several years ago to pick up some blankDVDs and a plastic pencil box, or something equally personality-free, whenthis guy caught my eye. "Do Ineed a set of magnets that look like a little dude coming out of the metalsurface of your choice?" I asked myself in front of the aisle 4endcap. YES! I mean, why would I affix a paper tothe board with a lame-colored circle of boringness when I could pin it on therewith a FACE? The choice was clear.

The little Magnet Man made a home in my classroom. This year he took up residence on thecloset door behind my desk, the disembodied legs and arms firmly pressingvarious photos and important papers in place. Though certainly an important fixture of the closet door,the smiling face and scattered "Whee!" limbs hadn't caught the eye ofany of the kids.

Until today.

Javonte and I were typing up a draft of his essay thisafternoon so he could read it more clearly to use for his final copy. And by that I mean that Javonte wasreading aloud a couple of sentences and then playing with the magnets on thecloset door while I looked over his shoulder and typed. "OK - next sentence..." Iprompted. He read, I typed, themagnets beckoned.

He had discovered and re-assembled the Magnet Man appendageby appendage and was completely tickled by the little dude. Because as we've established, MagnetMan is objectively awesome. It'slike his thighs and upper arms are still stuck in a sea of orange door and he'sreaching out to play. WithJavonte. Who really likes littlebuddies.

into-the-wild.org

The stuffed purple frog that Javonte found near the resourceroom where we were working on an assignment last week was one such incrediblyfantastic little buddy. At firstit seemed like it might be the useful variety of little buddy, delightingJavonte and helping him get through the tough assignment all at the sametime. But as you might imagine,the frog turned out to be the distracting type of little buddy, delightingJavonte and carrying on an extended play session with him. Little buddy--fail.

I printed out Javonte's draft and he got crackin' on writingout the final copy. Magnet Man,however, was not content to be forgotten so quickly. He hurled himself from the closet door and disjointedlyambled his way over to the magnetic leg of Javonte's table where he proceededto delight Javonte and...carry on an extended play session with him.

When I checked in on Javonte and his final copy, Idiscovered the migratory, tie-wearing dude. I held my hand out for the pieces. Javonte forked them over. Hands. Feet. Face. Potbelly. But it wasn't the full little dude.

"Where's the hat?" I asked, knowing that leavingbehind even one of the pieces would ruin both the set and the prospects forthis neglected final copy.

"There's a HAT?!?!" Javonte exclaimed in disbeliefas I realized that Magnet Man had just gotten a whole lot more appealing, andthe final copy just got a whole lot farther from completion.

'Cause you see...when fully dressed,Magnet Man actually looks like this -->

My surprise at finding myself here inside this metal doorjust propelled my hat straight off my head!

I will not tell Javonte about the umbrella that completesthe set....

*excuse the temporary weirdness / lack of photo of this piece...Blogger was thwarting me there for a minute....

The Purple Basket is Coming for You

2012-01-26T18:17:00.001-05:00

I am rather surprised to report that classroom cleaning has gone too far.

The road to the current situation of over-cleaning began with the problem of too much being left out at the end of the day. A dense layer of pencils, folders, papers, pencils, a plastic fork from lunch, pencils, a tissue, journals, a math game piece, books, a glue stick, plus a couple of pencils, spread evenly throughout the classroom is a typical scene after the kids have gone. During dismissal, I send out troops to find 4 things that aren't where they belong and to return them to their rightful places. The pencil sharpeners go hunting for far-flung pencils. I steer kids in the direction of the folders they've left on their tables. This seems to do miraculously little, though, to reduce the number of forgotten items strewn around the room.

Then came the advent of the purple basket. Into this purple basket I toss everything that hasn't been shelved, foldered, cubbied, trashed, recycled, boxed, or tubbed where it should by the end of dismissal. During morning meeting, we review the contents of the purple basket and try to beat the clock to hasten it all to a suitable home.

One afternoon, Tyrica asked if she could be on purple basket duty. Clearly this was a far superior plan than me being on purple basket duty. A new classroom job was born.

Each day at dismissal, Tyrica's haul has been growing larger. She rounds up folders, papers, pencils, books, and has been lately prone to basketing items that are still actively in use. Kids in the middle of putting their homework into their backpack have been finding an empty spot where they just set their folder down.

This afternoon Tyrica cast the net of "abandoned items" a bit too far. "Sticky notes!" she announced and reached for the yellow pad of sticky notes on the table. In my hand. On which I was writing.

"These aren't left out, I'm writing on them!" I exclaimed.

"It looks like you're just holding the marker over the paper, stroking it on there" she observed.

"Yes. That, in fact, is what I'm doing. Holding the marker over the paper and 'stroking it on there' is called....writing."

Tyrica moved on to another corner of the room, rustling up her daily basketful. I think it's time to clarify that this is not a contest for how big a collection she can amass....

If you are in our room at the end of the day and have any supplies you value, watch out for our over-eager cleaner!

Now on Amazon!

2012-01-22T21:10:00.001-05:00

Love is in the air! And by that, of course, I mean red-wrapped, heart-shaped candy is in the air!

Yes, Valentine's Day Candy Season has begun. And what better way to enjoy a box of chocolates than while reading America's most hilarious writers on the subject of love, romance, and other complications?

If you're looking for suggestions for foolproof pick-up lines, there are some dynamite ones on page 52 of the brand-new humor collection, My Funny Valentine: America's Most Hilarious Writers Take On Love, Romance, and Other Complications.

And just how can I vouch for this dating advice? Well, I overheard, received, or confiscated it all myself, so I know quite well just how fantastic it is. Yep - you can't go wrong with pick-up lines from third graders. They've even got you covered in the event that you're looking to break up this Valentine's Day.

Whether you're pro Valentine's Day or con, if you want to laugh your way through February 14th, you can get your very own copy of my book* here!

A few other highlights of the collection: Jonathan Shipley's, "Why You're Single This Valentine's Day, Karla Telega's first date warning signs in "Nip It In the Rosebud," and Blythe Jewell's "Five Things I will NOT Be Doing on Valentine's Day to 'Please My Man.'"

You can even get it digitally for the Kindle here!

And even better - I will send a free copy of the book to the first three people to comment!

*My book....which I happen to be graciously sharing with many other hilarious writers

Who Wears That?

2012-01-09T18:07:00.001-05:00

Today I was called out on not having weather-appropriateshoes by an eight-year-old. Surprisingly enough, it was not the first time an eight-year-old boy hasweighed in on my attire.

This afternoon we were out on the playground, kidsfrolicking in the light dusting of flakes that had begun falling. I had just intervened in a playgroundcollision incident between a couple of kids in the other third grade class,which ended with Mykell and Donivan both coming out alright. Just before she bounded away to play, Inoticed that Mykell had some fantastic striped rainbow socks, and complimentedthem. The three of us all peereddown to behold the footwear, and Donivan exclaimed, "Who wears that inwinter??" Some seasonalfaux-pas had left him as incredulous as a reality TV star trashing acast-mate's outfit.

"Wears what?" I asked, wondering what could be sonon-winter about the rainbow socks.

"You! Whatyou're wearing! Your shoes!"he said.

I looked down to assess the situation. On the snow-preparedness scale, Isuppose my teachery shoes and dress socks would rate fairly low. I had dressed my feet for standing andchecking geometry work, for sitting and listening to kids read, for walking toand from the copier, for communicating to the world, "This is myjob!"

But Donivan knew what a huge mistake I had made in notdressing my feet for extreme weather. "This lady is leaving herself susceptible to the elements!" hemust have thought. "If anavalanche occurs, she is guaranteed to get frostbite. I mean, what if we end up outside for 6 hours in a blizzard? Those thin socks will just not cutit. Or what if we encounter asheet of ice and she can't get any traction? Winter shoes should communicate to the world, 'I am preparedfor survival!' "

Donivan dashed off, with the super-sonic speed, ultra-griptraction, and cozy warmth of someone making better choices with their life. I wandered over to see which of the perpetual "No, I'm not out!"debates I could help settle at the Four Square game.

On the way, I passed a kid who had stripped down to along-sleeved shirt. "Get yourcoat on! It's too cold out for youto be wearing that!" I toldhim.

I mean, who wears that in winter?

Keep It on the Down Low

2012-01-03T17:51:00.000-05:00

The news would have caused a wide-spread hysteria that I just wasn't up for.

The news, that is, of what was hanging out at the bottom of the recycling bin. (You know this is not going to be pretty--stories of trash cans and other trash-adjacent receptacles rarely end well. OK wait--I seem to have amassed a fair number of trash stories over the years....)

We begin at the top of the recycling bin, however, where I spotted a couple of decidedly non-recyclable items. "You know what does not belong in the bin, children? Used tissues!" Annoyed by this persistent problem, I hauled the blue paper recycling bin out into the hall to dump out the offending Kleenex.

And there, in the hallway, I discovered what REALLY does not belong in the recycling bin. A dead rat.

Did you just throw down your laptop for fear the germs / black plague would leap from the rat to the computer via the telling of this story, and then from there onto your skin? 'Cause I almost did just now. Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!

I dropped the bin and froze. I looked up at Layla who had been out in the hallway to throw something away. She had seen it too. We wrinkled up our faces and said to each other, Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! I pictured twenty-seven different diseases, taking the form of wavy blue and purple lines, emanating from the [it's just so gross, I can't say it again]. Mustering all of my most grown-up fortitude, I summoned some composure and pushed the bin off to the side of the hallway.

I then set about the task of convincing Layla, my co-witness of a week's worth of disgustingness, of the need for discretion.

Yes, we would need to keep this on the Down Low in order to avoid mass hysteria the minute we stepped back in the classroom. Third graders, however, are not versed in the art of discretion.

Their preferred voice level for dispersal of information is ridiculously loud. Their preferred audience for dispersal of information is everyone within earshot of my ridiculously loud voice.

Ms. Sarah attempts to surreptitiously kill a spider crawling up the wall while everyone is working at literacy centers? "I am going to be the first to tell everyone this!" "I am going to be the loudest to tell everyone this!"

It starts to snow (which it happened to do today) during writing? "I am going to be the first to tell everyone this!" "I am going to be the loudest to tell everyone this!"

"Look." I told Layla. "Think about what would happen if everyone heard about what we saw at the bottom of that recycling bin. They'd freak out, right? And we wouldn't learn anything, and it would be a disaster, no? So what we're going to do, Layla, is we're going to go right back in there, and just say nothing about this. Can we do that?" Layla nodded.

And that's just what we did. We kept that dead li'l rat to ourselves. And after lunch when I reminded everyone about cleaning up their crumbs so as to avoid any unwelcome creatures, Layla and I exchanged a knowing look.

Bleh.

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Poster Man!

2011-12-13T23:32:00.000-05:00

images.wikia.com

Yes, you too can become your very own superhero! All it takes is a cape or sufficiently cape-looking item, and you're golden.

Alana, Tarik, and I were busily preparing last week after school for our big school presentation. We were down the hall, sprawled out on the floor, creating some posters on sticky-backed chart paper. Packing up all of the materials to head back to the classroom, Alana carried the markers and one poster, Tarik had the meter stick for tracing lines and another poster, and I had my computer and the third poster. Out of hands to carry the last poster, I stuck it to Tarik's shoulders and we set off down the hall.

"I'm a new superhero" declared Tarik, the air ruffling his paper cape behind him as we walked. "Poster Man!"

And presto! A new sidekick for Batman or Spiderman was born. Able to...draw....tall block letters in a single bound. Fights the evil marker smudges....

Well. Maybe not.

Alana gave it some thought. "Poster Man is the worst super hero ever" she declared. Eh. He tried.

Three Things You Don't have to Worry About

2011-12-06T19:42:00.001-05:00

STOLEN IDEA ALERT: Time magazine publishes various "Things You Don't have to Worry About This Week." I like it. I'm borrowing.

Three Things You Don't have to Worry About This Week

image: Wikipedia

1. Losing Money on iPod Stocks: If you are worried about "retro" music technology becoming the hot new trend, eclipsing sales of mp3 players--never fear. LPs are not making a comeback--at least not with the eight year old crowd. Third graders don't even know what they're called, as I discovered last week. Byron mentioned that his mom, "still has some of those big black CDs you put on a thing that spins." At least they still know what CDs are...

2. The Decline in Popularity of Looney Toons: Yep--still a favorite among cartoon connoisseurs. A carefully conducted study this morning during our morning meeting share revealed that Daffy Duck still ranks on lists of favorite cartoon characters.

3. Taboos About Discussing Bodily Functions: One of our vocabulary words this week is "foul," and we certainly had no shortages of examples of foul smells and tastes. I can assure you.

So rest easy--those are three things you definitely don't need to worry about this week!